My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Randomize
