Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
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I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
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