I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
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