i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
my liver is dry heaving
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize