Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I wish you could order shots online.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
