3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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