dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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