I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
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