hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
