What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
