I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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