It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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