you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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