1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Randomize
