my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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