Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
