after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
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You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
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What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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