Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
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Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
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Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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