Please don't use social media to get back at me.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Randomize
