ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
