Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
