Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
