I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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