This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
In America we eat man semen.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Randomize
