I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
