Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
