Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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