i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
