Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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