you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Randomize
