Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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