Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Tell her she can't have a vagina
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
