Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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