You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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