Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
