new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
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the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
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I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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