I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
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