sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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