She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
