yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
