The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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