Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
