Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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