then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
