That's when you crack a 10am beer
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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