OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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