Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
