She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
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