Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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