Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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