you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
