I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
