I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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