I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
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