I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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